You've set on me but you are not the sun.

 

English is so bad at describing what it means to grieve. For example, there should be a word for when you miss someone so incredibly, achingly much, that this person pervades every thought, every interaction, every waking moment, but you also loathe them. Because they treated you badly, or because they were too weak to be honest with you. Because you were betrayed. And because you loathe them, you hate yourself for missing that person so intensely. For missing the laughter they inspired; for wishing for the easy intimacy that you built. You hate yourself for knowing that they aren’t worth so much sadness, that such an outlay of mental energy is entirely useless, but you feel it anyway, and you cry in the shower or into your pillow or anytime something reminds you of that person. Which is all the time. There should definitely be a word for that.

There are dark places I try not to see because I have been there before and it is not always easy to leave. There are these stars I see sometimes and wonder what they are thinking when they are patiently staring back at me. How many wars have they seen? How many gods and kings, how many nameless feelings, how many people have they watched fall to their knees hoping for a sign that these lights missing their arms will never give? How many moments have they burned through? Have I been burning too? I see these stars on cold nights and I wonder how something could be so beautiful and brave. I wonder how lucky I really am. I have so much time to learn how to love everything in life before I get too old. How rare and wonderful it is to be this young, to be this healthy, to be this free, to be this alive.

It’s time to let go. I know, it’s scary right? I am about to let go as well, so let’s just do it together and maybe the whole process will be easier on us both. No, no, you can’t stay, it really is time to walk away. What I am trying to say is that whatever you are holding on to is holding you back, and it has come to the point where you can’t hold on any longer. You have to start understanding limitlessness. Let go of the remnants of all your failures and of all those who have failed you. It is time to be less afraid, because all those broken hearts only amount to as much as you allow them to. If you don’t let go of them now, you might miss out on a greater love; an unconditional one. So drop it now — your mistrustfulness, your obsessive, unhealthy relationship with your wounds — yes, it really is time. If it makes you feel better I can go first, and I will wait at the bottom to catch you. Because we’re doing this together remember? We are going to let go because holding on to this wire is cutting lines through our palms and if we hang here too long they’ll scar and every time we look down at our hands we will remember we’re just prisoners.

It’s like all I am ever doing is reiterating the feelings that should have ended years ago, but I have kept them because I do not know how to let them go.

Even when you know the way it’s going to blow, it’s hard to get around the wind.